I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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