I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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