I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
