I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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