There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
