I just saw a hot homeless man
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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