I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize