Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
my shit smells like andre
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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