Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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