My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize