Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
That accounts for only three of the penises
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
