take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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