Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
