I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
