Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
