So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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