Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
you inspire me to be a worse person
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
