I looked at my own cervix.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize