I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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