Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My hand turned me down
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
