Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
