i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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