My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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