my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She told me I should be a condom model.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
my poor anus
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
