Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
