just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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