One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
