How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I need to sanitize my soul.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize