Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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