if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
