Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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