After last night, I could never be a politician.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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