my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize