That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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