just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
