She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
