Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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