Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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