I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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