We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
