brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
