I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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