I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
This is classic penis vs brain.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
