addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
