If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
