Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
