what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
