hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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