my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
