I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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