I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
