so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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