god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
