This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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