He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
