So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
