i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
