you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
