I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
