forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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