mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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