My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
