The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
