Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Don't make out with my wife yet
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
