I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
