I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
