I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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