I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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