She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
