May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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