eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
