I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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