??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
